How To Talk Dirty

Talking dirty to the one you love (or even just the one you’re with) is one of those sexual behaviors people are uncomfortable with the first time they do it, and the first time they do it with a new partner. To do it well means letting loose and exposing yourself, which always feels scary the first time. Here are some steps to getting comfortable with dirty talk, and ideas for introducing into your sex play.
Time Required: Learning to talk dirty is a labor of love, it takes time!

Here's How:

1. Be authentic in your dirty talk.
Dirty talk can feel silly if you expect it to be what you’ve seen in the movies. You might have this idea that dirty talk is something specific. But good dirty talk is completely what you make it, and to do it well, you have to be yourself. While you may take on a role in your dirty talk (e.g. the ravished submissive) you need to find something of yourself in the role. Make a list of different aspects of your personality you can draw on for inspiration.

2. Find your dirty talk voice.
You need to find your own way of talking dirty. Your dirty talk might be low rhythmic grunts, high pitched squeals, or precise whispers. It might reflect the way you talk in your daily life, or it might express a different aspect of your personality. You don’t need to pick only one voice, the element of surprise can add an extra sense of anticipation, when your partner doesn’t know what they’re going to get an earful of next!

3. Expand your dirty talk vocabulary.
Most of us are raised not to swear. Dirty talk is your opportunity to pull out all the stops on the foul mouth express. Unless you’re role playing calls for it, avoid clinical terms (like penis). If you’re at a loss, do some research. Both of the books recommended below have lists of love words. But you can do research online, by reading some raunchy erotica, or in some cases watching porn (although the dirty talk in porn tends to be unimaginative).

4. Practice dirty talk when you're alone.
Carol Queen, author of the highly recommended Exhibitionism for the Shy , suggests starting on your own, talking dirty while you masturbate. Fantasize about having sex with your partner and talking dirty to them. You can start by doing it in your head, but eventually do it out loud.

5. Establish ground rules with your partner.
One of the reasons many of us don’t talk dirty is fear of sounding ridiculous, or being put down or rejected by a partner. It’s important to set some rules when you’re willing to take risks like this. Rules like no laughing at one another, and no judgment are important. In the heat of the moment anything can come out of your mouth, and you need to know that your partner is respectful of the ways that can be exposing.

6. Start slow the first time.
Don’t feel you have to rush right into elaborate verbal gymnastics. A great way to start with dirty talk is to describe out loud what is happening during sex. Things like “I love the way your hand feels in my….” Or “Your …feels so good on/in my…” Describe what’s happening and how it feels in your body. You can also experiment by telling your partner something you’re going to do to them, or something you want them to do to you.

7. Experiment with your voice.
Most of us take for granted all the different things we can do with our voice, and the impact these changes have. Experiment with speed, how fast you talk. Some things call for a staccato barrage, while some things are best said slowly. Change the volume of your voice, try whispering, try screaming, try everything in the middle. Also play with the tenor of your voice. You can sound commanding and harsh, trembling and uncertain, and everywhere in between.

8. Make dirty talking a two way conversation.
Once you’ve taken the risk and initiated talking dirty with your partner, ask them to do the same. It isn’t for everyone, and you might find that you like doing it more than hearing it (or vice versa). But being on the receiving and the giving end of dirty talk can give you a different perspective on it, plus you may learn a few things from your partner you didn’t already know.

Men & Women's Sexual Arousal Rates

The sexual arousal rates in men and women may be more similar than you think.
Sexual arousal rates in men and women

The psychology of sexual arousal rates was fascinating long before Alfred Kinsey researched it. Kinsey was the first to make men and women's sexual arousal rates public and acceptable (though how acceptable his research was is debatable!). New research about sexual arousal rates reveal that men and women get excited at the same rate, which seems hard to believe. Don't men think of sex hundreds of times a day, thus increasing their sexual arousal rates?
Sexual arousal rates in men and women: McGill's study

McGill University researchers found that men and women have sexual arousal rates that are more or less equal. However it's important to remember that any time humans or animals are involved in laboratory studies, their responses aren’t quite the same as in “real life.” Researchers do their best to simulate real life situations when they're studying sexual arousal rates in men and women – and they can come really close – but it’s not quite the same. Would these research results about sexual arousal rates be the same if study participants were in their own homes, with their own lovers?

Maybe, maybe not. The psychology of sexual arousal rates in men and woumen may color the results of the research.
Many factors are involved in a research study on the sexual arousal rates in women and men:

Place affects men and women's sexual arousal rates. The subjects watched a movie with video goggles and other measurements of their sexual response rates. This is much different than having sex at home (or on the train, plane, desk, photocopier, etc). How applicable are the lab findings to "real" sexual arousal situations and sexual arousal rates? It's difficult to say.

Lover versus movie affects men and women's sexual arousal rates. With a real-life lover, most men and women (especially women) are affected by their surroundings, who is nearby making noise, how fat they feel, whether they have gas, if birth control is available, how hairy their legs are, how intimate their relationship is, what a colleague said as they were leaving the office, if they're fighting with their sister, and so on… In light of this, do the study’s results about sexual arousal rates in women and men transfer to real-life sexual situations? It may be easier for women to become aroused by watching a movie in a quiet, unpressured research situation than at home with all sorts of real-life distractions.

Participants affect men and women's sexual arousal rates. The participants in this study were “healthy subjects”. What does this mean? Were they 21 year old sexually active university students who may experience maximal sexual arousal in minutes? Were they married, gay, straight, parents of small children, overworked lawyers or pastors? In other words, how representative were they of the middle-aged adult population? Whether they're involved in healthy or unstable relationships is another factor that affects sexual arousal rates in men and women.

Definitions of men and women's sexual arousal rates. What exactly is “maximal sexual arousal”? In the study, men reached maximal arousal in 664.6 seconds; women in 743 seconds. I’m not sure if this means the same thing in both genders, or if they can even be compared. For men, it probably means full erection. For women, does it mean ready for instant penetration? Maybe. But even when a woman feels aroused, she may not quite be ready for penetration. This may affect the definition of sexual arousal rates in women.

Applicability of men and women's sexual arousal rates. Finally, what real-life differences do these sexual arousal results make in the bedroom - or in a healthy relationship? If I don’t get aroused at the same rate as my husband, it doesn’t matter what this or any study reveals about sexual arousal rates in women and men. That said, it is interesting for research purposes. As Dr. Binik states, the results will help treat sexual arousal disorders in women, which is excellent because we could all use a good orgasm now and then!

Feeling connected and intimate with your partner - and not nervous when you're naked - may be more important than sexual arousal rates.

You’re not abnormal or weird - nor is your partner - if your sexual arousal rates aren't the same as the research findings. So, don’t set the timer and expect to be going at full boar after 743 seconds…unless of course you’re watching a sexually arousing movie with special video goggles in a darkened research lab.

Words of Love

Once upon a time, there were men, who thought love is the most frivolous activity of the world. And then there were men, who believed in love but did not have the courage to stand up. Finally, there came those beings, who understood what is it to be in love and and how great it feels to stand up for true emotions. These men dared to go against the world and won their beloved.

From thence people started collecting all the sayings of love and scribbled it in the Eternal Book Of Love. This book is the sole witness of the lovers tryst with destiny and the wars endured by them.

Love is like the Pandora's box. One keeps on discovering secrets and emotions of love as they delve in the interiors of this box. Your heart is full of love for your beloved. But, you are unable to express it in beautiful words. Here are a few heart touching words of love that would enable you to reflect your love. Your love relationship will be full of passion and romance with these beautiful words of love.

Make your beloved feel special by sending heart felt words of love right from the Pandora's box. You may also send a romantic love letter. It would be an immensely romantic gesture. Here are a few beautiful words of love.

Love Is a Way of Being

Love isn't something that someone causes us to feel, but a state of being that we experience whenever we are fully present in the moment to whatever or whomever is showing up. Love is our natural state, and we experience our natural state whenever the chattering mind is quiet or simply ignored. This state of being is one of peace, acceptance, and love. The only thing that can interfere with experiencing the love of our true nature is absorption in our thoughts and any feelings generated by those thoughts. When we are lost in our mental and emotional world, we miss out on reality, on the real experience of this moment. In our mental world, thoughts about life substitute for real life. When we drop out of these thoughts about ourselves and how our life is going, life can be experienced more purely, and when it is, love naturally flows to whatever or whomever we are experiencing.

Love is a way of being with others. When we are attentive, curious, and interested in others, love naturally flows to them from inside us. This outward flow of love is the experience of love. This flow of love is not dependent on who or what is in front of us, on what someone is doing, or on whether someone is being loving toward us, but on whether we are fully engaged with and accepting of that person and whatever is happening in the moment. Love is a state of being that is activated by giving attention to something or someone.

Many of us experience an absence or lack of love because we are giving our attention to thoughts about life instead of real life. When we give attention to our thoughts about life, we are loving our mental world, and that mental world isn't real, and it is very often a negative world, where nothing and no one is ever good enough. When we are invested in this mental world, our conditioned beliefs, judgments, fears, desires, and expectations seem really important, and these are what cause problems in our relationships. We think we need people to be a certain way for us to love them and be happy with them, but that just isn't true. It just seems true because we tend to choose to love (accept and give attention to) those who look and do things the way we want.

But love doesn't have to be limited in this way. We can choose to love even when others aren't meeting our desires or fitting our fantasies and expectations. Our conditioned ideas and desires are not more important than love, unless we allow them to be, which is a recipe for difficulty in relationship. When we can move beyond our desires, needs, expectations, fantasies, and judgments, then love is possible with anyone at any time. That doesn't mean you would choose to be in a relationship with just anyone, but it is possible to experience love in relating to anyone, since love comes from being interested in, attentive to, and accepting of someone, which is possible when we are not judging them or finding reasons to close our hearts to them and withdraw our interest and attention.

Love is something we have the power to experience because we have the power to give love. When we give love, we experience it; when we withhold it, we don't. The more we can overcome the judgments and other conditioning that cause us to withhold our love (i.e., our acceptance and attention) from others, the more we will experience love. It is as simple as that, but not necessarily easy to put into practice. We tend to really believe our judgments and other ideas that cause us to close our hearts to others, but we don't have to. We can say no to the judgments and other conditioning that interfere with love. When we do so, our experience of life is transformed. Love is readily available whenever we turn away from our judgments and negative conditioning and allow ourselves to be fully engaged with and interested in the real person in front of us.